D is for Deliberate Dialogue

Note: I'm throwing my hat into the A-Z Blogging challenge sponsored by Tossing it out! What you will be reading via the letters A-Z is a little bio about me. This will give you a glimpse into my work world and what I do when I'm not here - blogging.

Thanks for joining me on “D"- day for a little deliberate dialogue.

“So, what is deliberate dialogue?” I hear you asking as you stare at my blog and are probably thinking it might be time to exit stage left before you get in too deep.

Hold on not so fast, I have something to tell you...that’s it...get comfortable.

Have you ever been out for a coffee or a meal - alone - and were forced to entertain yourself by listening in on the conversations around you?

Yes? 

Well, I think most of us have - I know for certain I have and here’s what I have discovered - most of us are really bad at deliberate dialogue. 

Deliberate and dialogue are both very interesting words in their own right, but put them together and they are a force to be reckoned with. 

To be deliberate is to be conscious and intentional in what we do, or in this case, say.

And dialogue is a conversation between two or more people. 

Have you ever heard a little child say something like, “Mommy! That lady is really fat.” in a voice loud enough that people in a one block radius stop and stare. 

How rude - right?

The child’s mother turns crimson and looks as if she’s going to die of embarrassment - she grabs her child and leaves the crime scene as quickly as humanly possible, without looking like she’s abusing her child as its arm is being wrenched out of its socket. 

Most of us feel her shame and yet inwardly we are chuckling because we see the innocence of the child in its statement - said without malice or intent to offend. It was really a bit of deliberate dialogue - an observation stated in a very direct manner.

Deliberate dialogue gets drilled out of us early. It’s considered rude and more to the point it is not socially acceptable.

So...what is a reasonably intelligent adult to do if they wish to engage in deliberate dialogue with another equally (we can always hope) intelligent adult?

How about simply thinking before speaking. Possibly slowing down the train wreck in ones head and breathing while thinking of exactly what it is we want to say and why.

Now...since I want this is to be somewhat work related I will share with you how I implemented deliberate dialogue in my work sphere, years ago.

I did a manicure on a woman from France one day and while she certainly could speak English, and we had, I thought, a good conversation about life, love and the universe, I realized later, when having a discussion with the hair stylist that had sent her to me, she was unhappy with my work!

Shock and Awe! 

Unhappy - not possible! I’m the best! And that’s a fact! (no modesty - it’s just the truth and one should always tell the truth when in deliberate dialogue with anyone)

What had I done wrong? 

Well, apparently in France, back in the 80’s, it was the style to have the moons (that little funny white half-moon shaped bit at the base of your nail plate) left unpolished - go figure. 

I thought I had asked all the right questions, but apparently I forgot to ask whether she wanted her moons painted. We were in Canada - I didn’t think about how things were done in her country - never crossed my mind! 

Here comes the profound lesson out of this experience that has stayed with me for over twenty-five years:

Do not presume anything.

From that day forward this is what I have said to every new client:

“I am not a mind reader. Alas, it is the one great talent I do not possess - everything else is a piece of cake! If you want something - talk to me - chances are I can accommodate.”

But rather than relying solely on my client (or any other person) to be obliged to do the deliberate dialogue dance alone while I just standing there making assumptions - I strap on my dancing shoes and I dance carefully and unhurried so every step is understood and every turn anticipated. 

For you, the on-looker - sitting alone - having your coffee or meal, you will be spellbound by the fluidity of this deliberate dialogue going on at the table next to you.

And as you listen you hear words strung together in deliberate dialogue, consciously and with intention, always careful and unhurried so as to be clear and forthcoming in their meaning and purpose. They are music to your ears.

Until E...